Ego issues

I am copy editing a book which is going to be published by the University of the Rockies Press called Brilliant Sanity: Buddhist Approaches to Psychotherapy. It is really quite interesting, and talks a lot about the intersection of Buddhism and psychotherapy. It also highlights differences, such as how Buddhism advocates embracing suffering as the way to ultimate freedom, while Western thought is more interested in escaping pain. But, say the Buddhists, without facing the pain, without realizing suffering, we cannot emerge onto the brilliant sanity that lies on other other side.

The Buddhists also talk about being ego-less, which seems to contrast with psychology's emphasis on a healty ego-identity. I am really not the best spokesperson for all of this-- if you want more info read the book in a few months or leave a comment and I'll get back to you when I've finished the book or am less tired.

I've been struck by a funny thing while reading this book. Although I identify fully and proudly as a Jew, I think I have some innate Buddhist tendencies. For example, I have never had any fixed goals or seen any reason to put forth a "five year plan." Better to just bump along, stay open, and see what opportunities arise. In all of those assessments or team-building exercises that divide people into leaders and followers I am never a leader. I'm not really a follower, it's just that I kind of want to wait and see how things will turn out. And reading this book I have felt proud of this naturally Buddhist way of being.

Aha. Pride. That is the ego. That is very un-Buddhist. I have been struck by this as well-- how entrenched I am in my ego, even as I pat myself on the back for being at least somewhat less ego-entrenched than your average westerner.

I took a Nia class today at the YMCA and was REALLY IRRITATED by a woman who raised her hand when the teacher asked if anyone was a first-timer, yet placed herself dead center in the front row. She actually wasn't bad, seemed to be enjoying herself, and was totally getting into it and not caring how she looked, which is the whole NIA vibe. I, on the other hand, was very distracted by her. The gall, standing in the front row as if she were a regular. What do I care? Why should I care? And yet for some reason I did, and had a kind of hard time getting out of that vaguely angry space.

All the while I was thinking about this book, and wondering what was going on with my ego. Maybe I need to bump my meditation practice up from 6 minutes a day to, like, 10. Perhaps that will give me the space for greater acceptance.