Well, I "lost two pounds" since yesterday. That still puts me two pounds above the weight I have come to accept as normal these days, which itself is 1-2 pounds heavier than the weight at which I'd really like to be.
Two pounds. Two pounds. I always seem to be torturing myself over two pounds. But I know that my life would be markedly better without that extra weight. If I were two pounds less I would be more popular, I'd be funnier and wittier, I'd have better sex, I'd be a better therapist, I'd be more successful in every way.
My face looks to me like a giant beach ball today but my husband, who had an unusually free morning, has been hanging around talking to me like everything is completely normal. What's wrong with him? Doesn't he know that he should hate me because I am bloated?
Tonight is the second-to-last meeting of Finding Om-- at least as it exists as my dissertation project. That means I will spend an hour or so looking through various meditations and preparing what I want to bring to class tonight. Maybe today some of what I read will finally sink in on a personal level.
3 comments:
"But I know that my life would be markedly better without that extra weight."
Really? Will being that much smaller make you that much sexier? Maybe it'd be better if you didn't think of yourself as a number.
I don't intend to be harsh at all...I haven't stepped on a scale in over six years, even when I go to the doctor's office I tell them I've had a history of issues with eating disorders, so I step backwards on the scale.
Just try to be happy with where you are...I think then you'll realize that right now you are the sexy and confident person you're wanting to be.
My statement about everything being better if I could only lose two pounds was meant to be ironic. I know I wouldn't truly be any happier, except for a few moments through the day when I step on the scale or look in the mirror. And yet, even knowing this, I still cling to the delusion that this will make my life so much better.
Having said that, I really would like to lose two pounds, which would still put me a bit heavier than I've been my whole adult life but would at least make my jeans fit better.
Tiff, congratulations to you for overcoming an eating disorder. And staying an ashtangi!! It almost seems incompatible.
Incompatible? What do you mean?
I know, there are plenty of women who have ed's and are practicing...oh, I wish I could say I'm completely eating disorder free, for the most part I am, but I still get that "guilt" when I don't go to practice (like today) or eat bad...
When does it ever end...
Has the weight gain just happened recently? Are you eating a lot of comfort foods?
Post a Comment