My parents have been visiting from NJ since December 19th. Today is December 29th. That is too long. If they stayed at a hotel, it would be better. If they had their own car and took off and did various things on their own, that would be better. If they didn't open a bottle of wine every night with dinner that I subsequently drink too much of, that would be better. If they didn't get my kids all riled up so that they can't go to sleep until 10 pm every night, despite my requests to the contrary, it would be better. Instead they stay at my house, hang out with us nonstop, work my kids up and I end up getting so tense that I think I am retaining about 5 pounds of extra water. Well, I'm retaining water anyway. Not sure what is to blame for that, but it's not helping matters that all my clothes are too tight. But seriously, I know you release cortisol when you are stressed and that cortisol makes you gain weight. How else to explain my (literally) overnight 3 pound weight gain. And I am very short-- 4'9"-- so 3 pounds is enough to make my clothes tight enough to be uncomfortable.But I love my parents, and I feel bad that I am not better able to enjoy their visits. I'm not sure why this is.
We were at the Denver Art Museum the other day and I was looking at a work of art that consisted of column upon column of the artist's random thoughts over a few years. At one point he talks about how much he misses his dad, who died a year earlier. He notes that he had never been able to really have a good relationship with his dad, and said that despite having a great dad, he had been "a bit of a snot son."
That resonated with me a lot regarding my relationship with my mom. I think I am a bit of a snot daughter. I would like to have an adult relationship with my mom, yet the part of me that was endlessly criticized as a child and made to feel that nothing I did was ever good enough resists it. I think it is fear of letting her in. I have made a life here in Colorado that make me happy. But if I let her in, I risk their comments about how it is not the life they had in mind for me--although the impending PsyD is certainly helping smooth that one over. Yet all of this leaves me stuck in limbo, in that place where I regress to acting like an adolescent around her. And a snotty one, at that. And not liking myself. And drinking too much.
But I have been climbing lots of stairs in preparation for the Run the Republic stair climb on Feb 24th. And that has been fun, and a change from running, on which I am temporarily burned out. I doubt that will last long. Pretty much every winter I lose my running focus for a while and do indoor things-- until I remember how much I love the sunlight and start running again. But in the meantime I have a noble indoor goal, which is making me happy.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment