I have been struggling lately with the fact that I don't look the way I did 5 years ago when I was training for a bodybuilding competition and working with a diet coach who won Mr. Heavyweight Colorado for at least 2 years in a row. I will never look that way again. Even at that time I had the sanity to realize that I was going insane, very literally counting every gram of food that went into my mouth and generally feeling miserable all the time. Did I mention the 40 minutes of cardio twice daily? Which doesn't count weight lifting.
But damn, I looked good.
And now... school. Dissertation. Lack of motivation. Love of cookies and wine.
Today I told myself that I was going to give myself a break and eat and drink whatever I wanted and not weigh myself. Well, I did eat and drink whatever I wanted. Not so good with the scale. Didn't like the results, either.
Why the self-torture? I feel sorry for other people I know who never seem happy with themselves. Yes, I am fatter than I have ever been before. Does it matter? Apparently, to me it does. Yet this does not motivate me to do anything except eat more.
I say: Okay, I'm fatter than I've ever been. I'm also older than I've ever been (42 on July 28th) and closer to a PsyD than I've ever been. Nothing matters except my weight/size. But I seem oddly unable to get a grip and actually do anything about it. Except complain, of course.
My new theory: I crave cookies because I don't let myself eat carbs throughout the day in a normal way (bread, cereal, rice). So maybe if I let myself have a bowl of cereal for breakfast or a sandwich for lunch, I won't want to gorge on cookies at night.
That still leaves the issue of the scale. and all the fat around my middle that I didn't used to have. And what happens when I still want those cookies?
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1 comment:
THROW AWAY THE SCALE.
Seriously. How is the scale any good for you? You feel fat with or without it. Just throw it out and be done with it.
One good day of eating - whatever that means to you - and you will be feeling better. I promise. You are disciplined and hard-working, so you can control what you put in your mouth for one day, right? And then you'll feel good enough to realize that you are tiny and look great!
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