a confession

All I seem to be able to do these days is eat too much sugar and fat, drink too much alcohol, and build on my self-hatred. This is not what I want to do. This is not what the yogic wanna-be enlightened part of me wants to do. This is not what the wanna-be mentally healthy practice-what-you-preach therapist part of me wants to do. This is not what the wanna-be super-athlete part of me wants to do. But this is very much what some primitive part of me wants, yearns, longs to do. This is what I am almost driven to doing. I am very comfortable feeling like I'm fat and hating myself for it. I'm not comfortable lauding myself for my accomplishments.
Recent accomplishements:
*Came up with an even better idea for my dissertation-- have I even mentioned my topic? It is yoga as a component of treatment for binge eating disorder. No, I don't have binge eating disorder. Enough said on that topic right now. So my latest idea is to run two groups. One will do yoga and then go home. The other will do yoga and then participate in a group that cognitively processes what they have done, with the intention that it will help translate what they have done in class to be applicable in real life. Either way, I think yoga will help people become more aware of their bodies, more able to tolerate strong affect and thus better able to control their binges.
*Ran 12 miles on Saturday and then rode 6 miles to the race for the cure on Sunday, ran 5k then rode back home. Did Mantra girls' kundalini yoga warrior workout today (Monday), then helped coach my kids's cross country team. This weekend I will do a 20 mile run in preparation for the Denver marathon on Oct 14th. That will be my 15th marathon.
Bla bla bla. I do a lot. But I am more comfortable hating myself. So I am now going to pour another glass of Cabernet and bake a cake-- apple cake for the Jewish new year, Rosh Hashanah, which starts on Wednesday night.

menopause

Okay, so this isn't about my dissertation at all. Well, okay, fine, here it is: I spent the morning researching treatment for binge eating disorder. Have I even mentioned my topic yet? It is yoga as a component of treatment for binge eating disorder. But I don't want to talk about that right now. This is what I want to talk about:
*I am 41 years old and I made myself puke tonight for the third time this month. Will I ever grow out of this? I am not a binge eater. I kind of binge, although not an objective DSM-IV-TR binge. But I kind of love to purge. I never get even half as purged as I'd like, though.
*My husband who never has sex with me even though I think I am okay sexy for a really short kind of middle aged chick left town again for three days without so much as a kiss goodbye. I wonder how I'd do if I were out on the market again...
*I forget but there was something else that felt rather urgent but now I forget, thanks to 1/2 bottle of wine.

Oh yeah, menopause. So I'm 41 years old and I haven' t had my period in at least 9 months. I'm not really sure how long it's been because I didn't notice at first when I skipped a month or two but then all of a sudden it occurred to me that I hadn't had it in a long time. I have an appointment with my OB in a few weeks. So I'll see what he has to say. Yes I run and bike and lift and do yoga but NO I am so not a fanatic so amenorreah doesn't seem a viable option. I wish I were thin enough to claim that. IN fact, I am getting fatter and fatter. It is really amazing to me, the back fat and saddlebags and all kinds of shit.


Is anyone reading this?

On the clock

I met with my advisor yesterday and we set some deadlines. Hooray! This gives me focus, which I like. I was finding myself uncomfortably focus-less and kind of agitated about this whole thing.

For 10 years I earned a living as a journalist, so freaking out about writing my dissertation doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I enjoy writing. I enjoy research. I think it's the fact that this isn't just some article or 10 page paper for a class but my DISSERTATION that has me on edge. But setting deadlines is kind of calming. It breaks down what needs to be done and gives me something to work for.


My Hypothesis: Doing yoga will help people with binge eating disorder increase their ability to tolerate strong affect, increase their body awareness and body responsiveness and, as a result, reduce incidences of binging.

First deadline topic: research all existing treatmtents for binge eating disorder.

First post

And so I enter the age of blogging.

This is the year I will write my dissertation. That's right. It is my absolute intent to finish my doctoral disseration this year. So, by next August I will be done with my dissertation. The more I say it the more I commit to my dissertation being done in a year, which would be next August, 2009. So, by then I will finish my disseration, go on to internship and, finally, be awarded my PsyD.

Kind of a weird time to start a blog, considering I should spend all my writing time working on ... my dissertation. But I have a feeling I may need another writing outlet along the way.

I was supposed to start the project today, and in a way I did, because I wrote a very short paper of tangential merit. But I feel so uninspired. Suddenly my beloved topic seems boring. Suddenly I lack all focus.

Hence this blog. Next: my topic.