I have been struggling lately with the fact that I don't look the way I did 5 years ago when I was training for a bodybuilding competition and working with a diet coach who won Mr. Heavyweight Colorado for at least 2 years in a row. I will never look that way again. Even at that time I had the sanity to realize that I was going insane, very literally counting every gram of food that went into my mouth and generally feeling miserable all the time. Did I mention the 40 minutes of cardio twice daily? Which doesn't count weight lifting.
But damn, I looked good.
And now... school. Dissertation. Lack of motivation. Love of cookies and wine.
Today I told myself that I was going to give myself a break and eat and drink whatever I wanted and not weigh myself. Well, I did eat and drink whatever I wanted. Not so good with the scale. Didn't like the results, either.
Why the self-torture? I feel sorry for other people I know who never seem happy with themselves. Yes, I am fatter than I have ever been before. Does it matter? Apparently, to me it does. Yet this does not motivate me to do anything except eat more.
I say: Okay, I'm fatter than I've ever been. I'm also older than I've ever been (42 on July 28th) and closer to a PsyD than I've ever been. Nothing matters except my weight/size. But I seem oddly unable to get a grip and actually do anything about it. Except complain, of course.
My new theory: I crave cookies because I don't let myself eat carbs throughout the day in a normal way (bread, cereal, rice). So maybe if I let myself have a bowl of cereal for breakfast or a sandwich for lunch, I won't want to gorge on cookies at night.
That still leaves the issue of the scale. and all the fat around my middle that I didn't used to have. And what happens when I still want those cookies?
Monday, June 30, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
Still Tired
Boy, Mt. Evans took more out of me than I anticipated it would. It was only 14.5 miles and I walked about half of them, but I was still powering uphill at 10,200+ feet for 3 and a half hours.
Luckily the only goal I have right now (emphasize right now) is to finish my dissertation. Speaking of which, better get back to it while the babysitter is still on the clock.
Luckily the only goal I have right now (emphasize right now) is to finish my dissertation. Speaking of which, better get back to it while the babysitter is still on the clock.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Sunday, June 22, 2008
I did it
I finished the Mt. Evans Ascent in 3:27. Yahoo!!!!!!!!! It is over!!!!!!!!!
I was 20th out of 26 women in my age group, which is hardly all that impressive. But considering neither hills nor altitude is my strong point, I am thrilled. Of course that begs the question of why I sign up for races like this. To miss an entire month's sleep worrying about something ultimately unimportant, of course. To be able to eat cookies like a pig and drink like a fish for a few days with less guilt that normal. Duh.
Here are my official results, taken from the official results page:
PLACE: 286 (out of 374)
BIB: 345
DIV: F4044
DIVPLC: 20
GUN TIME: 3:27:26
NET TIME: 3:27:04
PACE: 14:17
AGE: 41
SEX: F
SEXPLC: 83 (out of 127)
CITY: Colorado Springs
STATE: CO
EVENT: MT. EVANS ASCENT
In terms of my overall place this is one of my worst finishes ever. But I feel great. My running partner Scoop finished 9 minutes ahead of me and did much better overall in the standings. However, she puked at the end of the race and felt generally awful for quite a while. I felt great pretty much the whole time and drank copiously the rest of the day. So which is better?
Now I need to figure out my next pursuit. Of course, first and foremost is...
MY DISSERTATION. I am determined to defend by the middle of September so I can go to Phoenix Rising Yoga therapy training in Oakland from Sept 19-22nd and then take a quick vacation before I start internship on the 29th. That means I need to get writing. Like, tomorrow.
But I need to come up with other athletic goals as well. I just need to realize that I can only give top mental priority to one thing and that needs to be the Finding Om writeup. I may still choose to train for the Portland marathon on Oct 5th, or for any other races that strike my fancy, but it will need to be done with the understanding that the mental energy I would usually put into caring about my finishing time needs to be funnelled into caring about the finishing time for my dissertation.
I did it. I finished Mt. Evans. Hooray for me.
Crazy things that I have done:
15 marathons, 5 above sea level
Many half marathons, including Georgetown to Idaho Springs, the Steamboat Springs half marathon and the Buena Vista Color Run
Tons of shorter races, including a 3rd place overall finish in a 10 mile trail race on the north shore of Oahu last summer where there were only 15 women overall. Hey, it's all about who shows up!
Pikes Peak Ascent
Mt Evans Ascent
Breck Crest Mountain Marathon (3 times, with this year's race on the calendar)
Leadville Heavy Half marathon
a bunch of duathlons and one triathlon (18 years ago!)
trained for a bodybuilding competition (but never competed)
And I'm not tired yet!
I was 20th out of 26 women in my age group, which is hardly all that impressive. But considering neither hills nor altitude is my strong point, I am thrilled. Of course that begs the question of why I sign up for races like this. To miss an entire month's sleep worrying about something ultimately unimportant, of course. To be able to eat cookies like a pig and drink like a fish for a few days with less guilt that normal. Duh.
Here are my official results, taken from the official results page:
PLACE: 286 (out of 374)
BIB: 345
DIV: F4044
DIVPLC: 20
GUN TIME: 3:27:26
NET TIME: 3:27:04
PACE: 14:17
AGE: 41
SEX: F
SEXPLC: 83 (out of 127)
CITY: Colorado Springs
STATE: CO
EVENT: MT. EVANS ASCENT
In terms of my overall place this is one of my worst finishes ever. But I feel great. My running partner Scoop finished 9 minutes ahead of me and did much better overall in the standings. However, she puked at the end of the race and felt generally awful for quite a while. I felt great pretty much the whole time and drank copiously the rest of the day. So which is better?
Now I need to figure out my next pursuit. Of course, first and foremost is...
MY DISSERTATION. I am determined to defend by the middle of September so I can go to Phoenix Rising Yoga therapy training in Oakland from Sept 19-22nd and then take a quick vacation before I start internship on the 29th. That means I need to get writing. Like, tomorrow.
But I need to come up with other athletic goals as well. I just need to realize that I can only give top mental priority to one thing and that needs to be the Finding Om writeup. I may still choose to train for the Portland marathon on Oct 5th, or for any other races that strike my fancy, but it will need to be done with the understanding that the mental energy I would usually put into caring about my finishing time needs to be funnelled into caring about the finishing time for my dissertation.
I did it. I finished Mt. Evans. Hooray for me.
Crazy things that I have done:
Ridden my bicycle from St. Augustine Florida to San Diego, CA
Trekked to Mt. Everest Base camp15 marathons, 5 above sea level
Many half marathons, including Georgetown to Idaho Springs, the Steamboat Springs half marathon and the Buena Vista Color Run
Tons of shorter races, including a 3rd place overall finish in a 10 mile trail race on the north shore of Oahu last summer where there were only 15 women overall. Hey, it's all about who shows up!
Pikes Peak Ascent
Mt Evans Ascent
Breck Crest Mountain Marathon (3 times, with this year's race on the calendar)
Leadville Heavy Half marathon
a bunch of duathlons and one triathlon (18 years ago!)
trained for a bodybuilding competition (but never competed)
And I'm not tired yet!
Friday, June 20, 2008
The Cracked Pot
I read this version of a Hindu tale in the August edition of Yoga Journal, which excerpted it from The Treasure in Your Heart: Yoga and stories for peaceful children. I really like it and think it's worth passing along:
Every day a farmer carried two pots to the river to fetch water. Each pot hung on the end of a pole across his shoulders. The pot on his right side was new and perfect. The pot on his left side was older and had a crack in its side.
The new pot brought back all the water the farmer had put into it. But th cracked pot leaded out water in a little trail. This went on day after day for two years. The little cracked felt terrible. "I am so ashamed of my imperfection!" One day it spoke to the farmer. "I must apologize. I only deliver half my load because I leak out water all the way back to your house. You should just get rid of me.:
The farmer said, "Do not despair. Look behind you. Do you not se those beautiful flowers along the path? Those are on the left side where I carry you. I knew about your special feature so I planted flower seeds, and you have watered those seeds as I walked home. Thanks to you, I have fresh flowers for my table. Thank you, little cracked pot. You are very special."
Here's to all of our special features!
Every day a farmer carried two pots to the river to fetch water. Each pot hung on the end of a pole across his shoulders. The pot on his right side was new and perfect. The pot on his left side was older and had a crack in its side.
The new pot brought back all the water the farmer had put into it. But th cracked pot leaded out water in a little trail. This went on day after day for two years. The little cracked felt terrible. "I am so ashamed of my imperfection!" One day it spoke to the farmer. "I must apologize. I only deliver half my load because I leak out water all the way back to your house. You should just get rid of me.:
The farmer said, "Do not despair. Look behind you. Do you not se those beautiful flowers along the path? Those are on the left side where I carry you. I knew about your special feature so I planted flower seeds, and you have watered those seeds as I walked home. Thanks to you, I have fresh flowers for my table. Thank you, little cracked pot. You are very special."
Here's to all of our special features!
Thursday, June 19, 2008
I think I can, I think I can
To make the initial cutoff time for the Mt. Evans Ascent I need to get to Summit Lake at mile 9 in 2hours and 30 minutes. According to the Cool Running pace calculator this means I need to run the first 9 miles at a 16:40 pace. This is kind of laughable for a regular road race, but taking into account that the first 9 miles of this particular race climb 2,250 feet higher than the starting line to an elevation of 12,850 feet ups the ante just a bit.
I think I can. I think I can.
Once I make it to Summit Lake Cool Running tells me I have to keep a 21:49/min/mile pace to make it to the summit before the 4.5 hour race end. Again, sounds silly. However, all of the final 5.5 miles are between 12,850 and 14,264 feet above sea level. It's pretty safe to say I won't be running any of the last miles. But I KNOW that if I can make cutoff #1 I will make it to the summit in time.
I think I can. I think I can.
What to wear? In 2002 runners were pulled off the road because there was a whitout. Yes, snow. Enough to cause organizers to worry about hypothermia and call off the race early. But on the website you see happy runners wearing shorts, their manditory long sleeved shirts tied around their waists. I think I will plan for the worst and hope for the best. That means hat, gloves, running tights, windbreaker, running sweatshirt, shorts, tank top.
I think I can. I think I can.
Not running today, although I am going to do yoga this afternoon. Short run tomorrow. Then it's showtime.
I think I can. I think I can.
I know I can. I know I can.
I think I can. I think I can.
Once I make it to Summit Lake Cool Running tells me I have to keep a 21:49/min/mile pace to make it to the summit before the 4.5 hour race end. Again, sounds silly. However, all of the final 5.5 miles are between 12,850 and 14,264 feet above sea level. It's pretty safe to say I won't be running any of the last miles. But I KNOW that if I can make cutoff #1 I will make it to the summit in time.
I think I can. I think I can.
What to wear? In 2002 runners were pulled off the road because there was a whitout. Yes, snow. Enough to cause organizers to worry about hypothermia and call off the race early. But on the website you see happy runners wearing shorts, their manditory long sleeved shirts tied around their waists. I think I will plan for the worst and hope for the best. That means hat, gloves, running tights, windbreaker, running sweatshirt, shorts, tank top.
I think I can. I think I can.
Not running today, although I am going to do yoga this afternoon. Short run tomorrow. Then it's showtime.
I think I can. I think I can.
I know I can. I know I can.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Crying on the run
Three days until the Mount Evans Ascent. I have begun not sleeping very well and have been getting out-of-breath nervous at random times. Like on my run today, which is actually not really all that random.
I did the Manitou incline for the last time pre-race yesterday, and did a 30 minute easy run today in the park behind my house. I couldn't stop thinking about Mt. Evans race, about the distance-- which isn't so great, but all 14.5 miles are upill-- about the incline, about the altitude, about the cutoffs, about how much my legs and lungs are going to be burning. Not the most productive thoughts, I realize, but that is what I was thinking.
Then I twisted my ankle. Not badly enough to cause anything more than very minor temporary pain, but it was excuse enough that I started to cry. Hard. There I was, sobbing, limping along the trail. The nervousness and feeling of inadequacy was only magnified by the fact that I missed my already-three-years-overdue mammogram this morning. I didn't oversleep. I could have easily made the 7:15 appointment. I just forgot. This is not very like me, and it upset me.
About the time I realized that my ankle felt fine, I began going down "Resolution Hill." I call it that because it comes at the end of the run, is a good strong downhill, and is a time I tend to begin feeling better and making resolutions. I will love myself better. I will give myself a break. I will run X marathon. It's always something.
Today I used Resolution Hill to give myself a pep talk. I have trained for this race. I have gone back and forth to Barr Camp 3 times. I have done the Incline 5 times. I have done many long runs, including a 14 miler, including a 9.5 and ten miler in Alaska. I have been doing hills for months. True, I have not been doing speed training, which never hurts because it is a strength builder. But even if I had been doing speed, I would not be using it at 10,000+ feet.
So we'll see. I just need to breathe, stay positive.
I did the Manitou incline for the last time pre-race yesterday, and did a 30 minute easy run today in the park behind my house. I couldn't stop thinking about Mt. Evans race, about the distance-- which isn't so great, but all 14.5 miles are upill-- about the incline, about the altitude, about the cutoffs, about how much my legs and lungs are going to be burning. Not the most productive thoughts, I realize, but that is what I was thinking.
Then I twisted my ankle. Not badly enough to cause anything more than very minor temporary pain, but it was excuse enough that I started to cry. Hard. There I was, sobbing, limping along the trail. The nervousness and feeling of inadequacy was only magnified by the fact that I missed my already-three-years-overdue mammogram this morning. I didn't oversleep. I could have easily made the 7:15 appointment. I just forgot. This is not very like me, and it upset me.
About the time I realized that my ankle felt fine, I began going down "Resolution Hill." I call it that because it comes at the end of the run, is a good strong downhill, and is a time I tend to begin feeling better and making resolutions. I will love myself better. I will give myself a break. I will run X marathon. It's always something.
Today I used Resolution Hill to give myself a pep talk. I have trained for this race. I have gone back and forth to Barr Camp 3 times. I have done the Incline 5 times. I have done many long runs, including a 14 miler, including a 9.5 and ten miler in Alaska. I have been doing hills for months. True, I have not been doing speed training, which never hurts because it is a strength builder. But even if I had been doing speed, I would not be using it at 10,000+ feet.
So we'll see. I just need to breathe, stay positive.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Yogarific
Got back from Alaska on a redeye Saturday morning. The trip was great, although I must admit that after living in Colorado for 10 years the mountains of Alaska have lost some of their "wow" factor for me. Sad but true.
Cousin J's bar mitzvah was great, as was seeing family-- especially the ones that live in Anchorage. The NJ/east coast branch of the family gets seen plenty. Sometimes too much. Camping and hiking in Denali national park for 3 days was awesome, with moose and bear and eagle sightings a-plenty. We visited Fairbanks for the first time and, despite rumors that it's a dump, were captivated by its unique charm.
The drive back to Anchorage via Delta Junction reminded me how much I like civilization. Despite spending the entire day surrounded by incredible natural beauty, including the incomparably beautiful Paxon Lake, I realized I had begun to breathe more easily when we passed Glenallen, freely when we got to Palmer, which is about an hour outside of Anchorage.
All of this travel, including the plane ride, amounted to a lot of sitting. Yes, I ran while we were away, including a 9.5 and 10 miler on the Coastal Trail in Anchorage, which I love. Yes, I did yoga 3 times. But oy vey, am I ever stiff. I did my Baron Baptiste CD this morning (after an attempt to take a 6:30 am class at Corepower Yoga which the instructor blew off). Wow. They say every day is different. I could really feel the impact those hours of sitting had on my body. Backbends, which are always a challenge, were completely killer. But it felt great to get moving like that again, and it was nice to be reminded how hard yoga can be.
Glad to be home. Now, I need to get motivated to work on my dissertation.
Cousin J's bar mitzvah was great, as was seeing family-- especially the ones that live in Anchorage. The NJ/east coast branch of the family gets seen plenty. Sometimes too much. Camping and hiking in Denali national park for 3 days was awesome, with moose and bear and eagle sightings a-plenty. We visited Fairbanks for the first time and, despite rumors that it's a dump, were captivated by its unique charm.
The drive back to Anchorage via Delta Junction reminded me how much I like civilization. Despite spending the entire day surrounded by incredible natural beauty, including the incomparably beautiful Paxon Lake, I realized I had begun to breathe more easily when we passed Glenallen, freely when we got to Palmer, which is about an hour outside of Anchorage.
All of this travel, including the plane ride, amounted to a lot of sitting. Yes, I ran while we were away, including a 9.5 and 10 miler on the Coastal Trail in Anchorage, which I love. Yes, I did yoga 3 times. But oy vey, am I ever stiff. I did my Baron Baptiste CD this morning (after an attempt to take a 6:30 am class at Corepower Yoga which the instructor blew off). Wow. They say every day is different. I could really feel the impact those hours of sitting had on my body. Backbends, which are always a challenge, were completely killer. But it felt great to get moving like that again, and it was nice to be reminded how hard yoga can be.
Glad to be home. Now, I need to get motivated to work on my dissertation.
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