My internship is busy-- 9 hours a day working with federal probationers. It's not what I had in mind for myself but I really like it. BUT.... the sitting all day is killing me. I am so fat right now and have minimal time to work out, although I do make time for it mostly every day. I am the heaviest I've been in my adult life and even my yoga clothes are tight. You know me well enough to know that this is NOT GOOD and I am struggling mentally very much.
I feel like I'm 2 people: one who is successful in lots of areas in life and cares about the environment and poor people etc and says looks don't matter, it's what is inside, and then another who is completely and entirely driven by being thin. I have been seeing a nutritionist because I want to lose weight but do it right, not in the eating disordered ways I have done it the past but her way is very slow and it's killing me. I see her today and I think I'm going to tell her I need to move a little quicker and see some immediate weight loss-- then I can move back to th slow steady boat. I don't know. I need some immediate gratification-- that and a little room in the legs and ass and waistband of my pants.
I'm sorry to complain. I'm having a hard time with this right now. I am positive if you saw me you would notice that I have gained weight and I hate that. I also know that you wouldn't care or think differently of me but I am miserable. In that area, which, me being me, colors everything else
Sigh. I had a dream that I was riding on the back of a whale last night. I wonder what that's about.
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i had to respond because i suffered from eating disorders for a really long time and have for the most part been great for the last 15 years, aside from after i had my second child (too way to long to get back to "normal") and a few months ago when i suddenly put on five pounds and couldn't stand to be with myself. i felt similar to the way that you do. i couldn't decide if i was more upset about the five pounds or being upset about the five pounds. it was embarrassing all the way around. and hard and depressing. i would reccommend paying attention to whether or not you are doing emotional eating. i know i was, even when i felt like i wasn't, i know i was rewarding my struggles with food. what i ended up doing was trying to get myself over the idea that 1. cutting back was deprivation and 2.eating more fruits and vegetables was a disordered way to control ones food intake. i don't know if that makes sense, but i would think if you are only eating fruits and veggies for a meal then you aren't getting enough carbs fat and protien and you are starving yourself. well, over the last few months i have been eating mostly fruits and veggies for breakfast and lunch and i don't feel deprived and i have plenty of energy and i have lost the 5 pounds. and now i am less likely to try to make myself feel better with cake.
sorry to ramble.
hang in there, and be good to yourself.
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