My internship is busy-- 9 hours a day working with federal probationers. It's not what I had in mind for myself but I really like it. BUT.... the sitting all day is killing me. I am so fat right now and have minimal time to work out, although I do make time for it mostly every day. I am the heaviest I've been in my adult life and even my yoga clothes are tight. You know me well enough to know that this is NOT GOOD and I am struggling mentally very much.
I feel like I'm 2 people: one who is successful in lots of areas in life and cares about the environment and poor people etc and says looks don't matter, it's what is inside, and then another who is completely and entirely driven by being thin. I have been seeing a nutritionist because I want to lose weight but do it right, not in the eating disordered ways I have done it the past but her way is very slow and it's killing me. I see her today and I think I'm going to tell her I need to move a little quicker and see some immediate weight loss-- then I can move back to th slow steady boat. I don't know. I need some immediate gratification-- that and a little room in the legs and ass and waistband of my pants.
I'm sorry to complain. I'm having a hard time with this right now. I am positive if you saw me you would notice that I have gained weight and I hate that. I also know that you wouldn't care or think differently of me but I am miserable. In that area, which, me being me, colors everything else
Sigh. I had a dream that I was riding on the back of a whale last night. I wonder what that's about.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Self-loathing, activated
Today is a bad day to ask how I am doing. I have been feeling really shitty about myself and as if I have gotten out of touch with good nutrition. I know what good eating is and in general I don't eat lots of junk but I think I'm eating too much for what my body needs right now, maybe not enough protien and no doubt too much sugar. Maybe too many carbs. Or not enough. Whatever it is, something just doesn't feel right. I have also been (for about the last year) weighing myself 2-3 times a day and writing down everything I eat. Anyway, a week ago I went to a nutritionist who asked me to only weigh myself once a week and to not write down my eating. I ate really well for the first few days after that but the last 2 days I was feeling very premenstrual and gave in to every craving I had. Today I woke up feeling bloated and as if my face looks like an entrant in the Macy's Day Parade. So what did I do? Try on my tightest pair of jeans and weigh myself of course (not with the jeans on, duh). Weight: WAY too high-- higher than it's been in a long, long time. Jeans: too tight. Another duh.
I see the nutritionist again tomorrow and she is going to give me a meal plan. We'll see how that goes.
I see the nutritionist again tomorrow and she is going to give me a meal plan. We'll see how that goes.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Finding Om: Live at SYTAR
Months ago I submitted an abstract of my Finding Om study for presentation at STYAR, the international Symposium on Yoga Therapy and Research in LA in early March. And yesterday I found out it got accepted! Hooray! Major exposure to a population who cares. Networking! Interest! Possible connections for future research! I am so, so excited.
I'm not sure whether it is a poster or oral presentation. I hope, hope, hope it is oral, because my arts and crafts skills are sorely lacking and I'd hate to have a sucky poster. But still...
In other news making yesterday a banner day, I ran 6.2 on the treadmill. Perceived exertion: high. Soreness afterwards: marathon grade (for about 2 hours). Happiness: great. I'm back. And I didn't even pig out too badly after drinking too much celebratory wine later that night.
I'm not sure whether it is a poster or oral presentation. I hope, hope, hope it is oral, because my arts and crafts skills are sorely lacking and I'd hate to have a sucky poster. But still...
In other news making yesterday a banner day, I ran 6.2 on the treadmill. Perceived exertion: high. Soreness afterwards: marathon grade (for about 2 hours). Happiness: great. I'm back. And I didn't even pig out too badly after drinking too much celebratory wine later that night.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Sorry, I've got to run
Over the past week or so I have noticed a creeping level of depression taking over my mood. There have been no major changes and nothing bad has happened. In fact, I had a therapy session with one of my federal probationers which I think may have been the best session I ever did in my life.
Even so, I have been getting weepier and weepier over nothing, feeling more and more negative about myself (big time), eating more and more for no apparent reason, and having a hard time shaking it off. And it began to dawn on me that I used to feel like this a lot more before I started running. I haven't stopped exercising, still doing yoga and lifting and the elliptical and the stairmill but, as any runner knows, nothing substitutes for whatever it is that running does to your endorphins. I'm not talking about a runners high, since I don't usually get that from an average weekday run. I'm talking about general psychological maintenance.
I haven't run since I was rear-ended on Dec 5th and told by my chiropractor that I should take 6 weeks off. As of today I have taken off 5 weeks. I don't want to hurt my body but I also need to take care of my mental health. So I am meeting Scoop, my beloved running partner, at the YMCA this morning for a treadmill experiment.
There are 2 parts to this experiment. The first is an attempt to listen to my body, go slowly, and only go as far as my body keeps on feeling good. In theory this may mean 1/2 hour on the treadmill, finish up the hour on the much-less-jarring elliptical. What I would love is to do a full hour on the treadmill, keep it slow, but still manage to get in 6 miles.
The second part of this experiement is to not get triggered by however much faster than me Scoop may be going and fall into a competitive groove that could ultimately hurt me and make me take even more time off. I am not competitive against her in races but part of what makes us great training partners is that we push each other and try to keep up with each other in training. I just need to remember: all in good time, my dear. All in good time. Maybe I'll only be able to run a few miles at a time for a few weeks.
I don't mean to be overly dramatic either. I mean, Army Capt. David Rozelle got his leg blown off in Iraq and ran the NYC marathon 6 months later. Although I have no idea what his chiropractor might have had to say about that, he went on to do the Ironman, so I guess he's okay.
So it's official. As of today, in one way or another, I'm back.
Even so, I have been getting weepier and weepier over nothing, feeling more and more negative about myself (big time), eating more and more for no apparent reason, and having a hard time shaking it off. And it began to dawn on me that I used to feel like this a lot more before I started running. I haven't stopped exercising, still doing yoga and lifting and the elliptical and the stairmill but, as any runner knows, nothing substitutes for whatever it is that running does to your endorphins. I'm not talking about a runners high, since I don't usually get that from an average weekday run. I'm talking about general psychological maintenance.
I haven't run since I was rear-ended on Dec 5th and told by my chiropractor that I should take 6 weeks off. As of today I have taken off 5 weeks. I don't want to hurt my body but I also need to take care of my mental health. So I am meeting Scoop, my beloved running partner, at the YMCA this morning for a treadmill experiment.
There are 2 parts to this experiment. The first is an attempt to listen to my body, go slowly, and only go as far as my body keeps on feeling good. In theory this may mean 1/2 hour on the treadmill, finish up the hour on the much-less-jarring elliptical. What I would love is to do a full hour on the treadmill, keep it slow, but still manage to get in 6 miles.
The second part of this experiement is to not get triggered by however much faster than me Scoop may be going and fall into a competitive groove that could ultimately hurt me and make me take even more time off. I am not competitive against her in races but part of what makes us great training partners is that we push each other and try to keep up with each other in training. I just need to remember: all in good time, my dear. All in good time. Maybe I'll only be able to run a few miles at a time for a few weeks.
I don't mean to be overly dramatic either. I mean, Army Capt. David Rozelle got his leg blown off in Iraq and ran the NYC marathon 6 months later. Although I have no idea what his chiropractor might have had to say about that, he went on to do the Ironman, so I guess he's okay.
So it's official. As of today, in one way or another, I'm back.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
I Cried... in Bikram!
Who ever heard of such a thing?
Possibly it was because 2 women who are a few years older than me and look fabulous were doing their thing in the front row (as usual) and I was looking kind of chubby in the back row. And I had on a crappy outfit.
Or maybe it was because my new fitness routine includes more weight lifting and less yoga and I was feeling particularly stiff. And my neck kind of hurt. Damn whiplash. A month and I'm still feeling it. I never realized how much you use your neck in Bikram.
Perhaps because I was so damn sweaty that no one would notice a few tears running down my face and I just needed a good cry. Who knows. But it certainly was unexpected.
I miss running like crazy. I think I'm going to run 3 miles on the treadmill in the basement on Tuesday morning before my boss and I take a field trip to the federal penitentiary. I've got big plans for the summer and I've got to get moving again.
I sure haven't blogged in a long time. I blame my internship. It is great but 9 hours a day is a lot of time to be busy. Despair not, dear readers. I shall return.
Possibly it was because 2 women who are a few years older than me and look fabulous were doing their thing in the front row (as usual) and I was looking kind of chubby in the back row. And I had on a crappy outfit.
Or maybe it was because my new fitness routine includes more weight lifting and less yoga and I was feeling particularly stiff. And my neck kind of hurt. Damn whiplash. A month and I'm still feeling it. I never realized how much you use your neck in Bikram.
Perhaps because I was so damn sweaty that no one would notice a few tears running down my face and I just needed a good cry. Who knows. But it certainly was unexpected.
I miss running like crazy. I think I'm going to run 3 miles on the treadmill in the basement on Tuesday morning before my boss and I take a field trip to the federal penitentiary. I've got big plans for the summer and I've got to get moving again.
I sure haven't blogged in a long time. I blame my internship. It is great but 9 hours a day is a lot of time to be busy. Despair not, dear readers. I shall return.
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