a confession

All I seem to be able to do these days is eat too much sugar and fat, drink too much alcohol, and build on my self-hatred. This is not what I want to do. This is not what the yogic wanna-be enlightened part of me wants to do. This is not what the wanna-be mentally healthy practice-what-you-preach therapist part of me wants to do. This is not what the wanna-be super-athlete part of me wants to do. But this is very much what some primitive part of me wants, yearns, longs to do. This is what I am almost driven to doing. I am very comfortable feeling like I'm fat and hating myself for it. I'm not comfortable lauding myself for my accomplishments.
Recent accomplishements:
*Came up with an even better idea for my dissertation-- have I even mentioned my topic? It is yoga as a component of treatment for binge eating disorder. No, I don't have binge eating disorder. Enough said on that topic right now. So my latest idea is to run two groups. One will do yoga and then go home. The other will do yoga and then participate in a group that cognitively processes what they have done, with the intention that it will help translate what they have done in class to be applicable in real life. Either way, I think yoga will help people become more aware of their bodies, more able to tolerate strong affect and thus better able to control their binges.
*Ran 12 miles on Saturday and then rode 6 miles to the race for the cure on Sunday, ran 5k then rode back home. Did Mantra girls' kundalini yoga warrior workout today (Monday), then helped coach my kids's cross country team. This weekend I will do a 20 mile run in preparation for the Denver marathon on Oct 14th. That will be my 15th marathon.
Bla bla bla. I do a lot. But I am more comfortable hating myself. So I am now going to pour another glass of Cabernet and bake a cake-- apple cake for the Jewish new year, Rosh Hashanah, which starts on Wednesday night.